Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
