I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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