That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
