I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
