I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
