It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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