Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
