does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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