Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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