I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
