My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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