I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
