and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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