You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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