I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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