I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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