the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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