i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
