it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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