mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cockslap morals
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
