Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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