I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
