I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
