Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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