I just pynch a tree in the face
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
