Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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