You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
