I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
