If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
