Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
