Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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