3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
is it fun? or sober?
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