so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
