Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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