dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
