Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
