i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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