why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
