and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
