my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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