she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Couch. On fire.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Panties = found
Randomize
