So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
