I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
