Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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