My balls are so social today.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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