She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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