to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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