You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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