the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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