Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
