I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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