my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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