i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
