Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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