So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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