I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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