and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
